Though so many people suffer from depression, I had previously not really acknowledged it as a real medical condition. I knew we all felt down and discouraged once in a while, but I never fathomed why some fall into clinical depression. As fate would have it, I became one of them and I am fighting to get out of it for good.
Is this depression? I didn’t want to admit that I was depressed, but the symptoms were all too obvious. Getting out of bed in the morning seemed to be a herculean task. I had extreme hypersomnia. Sleeping just seemed an escape path. At times I would call in sick, because I simply could not get out of bed. Extreme indecisiveness kicked in. Making even the most basic decisions became a challenge. This became a real problem at work. Funny enough I did not lose my appetite, on the contrary, I ate more than usual. I found it extreme hard to focus and found myself not able to execute basic tasks at work. My self-confidence had reached new lows, compounded by extreme fear and anxiety. I literally spent most of the day worrying myself sick, dwelling over past decisions and how today decision will turn out. ‘You seem down lately Simon’. Only if I could get a penny for every time I heard that in a day. I could not relax. Nothing excited me, nothing made me happy. I would ponder about all the things I should be doing, opportunities around me that I am not taking advantage of, initiatives I could be taking to better myself in order to broaden my career prospects, yet I just think and think, without the courage, motivation or energy to act. Time seems to be flying. I am 31. Yet I see many around me taking advantage of the slightest opportunities and moving on. Why does everyone with the same educational background appear to be more mobile and advancing their careers to new heights? Why do I feel am I left behind? Why do I feel trapped? What is wrong with me? What do I really want? I really hated myself for feeling this way because from a rational perspective, I really had no reason to be depressed. I have everything. I am perfectly physically healthy. I have a job and enough money. I have a loving supporting family and a beautiful wife that loves me.
Therapy has not yielded lasting results. I also don’t really know if the medication I am on is working, though I have not been on it for long. I am reaching out to those that might have gone through or are going through deep clinical depression and extreme anxiety, to share your experiences, your ups and downs, and your journey. This blog is a journey towards recovery, a step towards creating a new me, with a healthier mind set.
You have written such a great description of depression. I cycle through depressing episodes and it is always so hard to get out of that funk. Life seems to be too overpowering and everything stresses me out. I to overeat at those times and feel left in the wake of others' successes. Oh how fun it is to be mentally ill.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, the only thing I have found that cures my depression (or at least helps me cope) is medication. Therapy helps to but meds are my saving grace.