The pain of indecision

I had been depressed and was not really excited about anything. Then came the announcement of the downsizing of our department at work. I was one of those affected. Though not a comfortable situation to be in, most people would polish their CVs and proactively embark on job searches. This downsizing made my depression worse. Despite not having a pool of money to fall back on, with a wife that has not yet found a job and enough bills yet to be paid, everything went down hill. 

For weeks I became completely paralyzed with fear and depression. Many opportunities were on the horizon, but I was not in the right state of mind to seize them. I was simply in a state of inaction. I didn’t know what I wanted and didn’t have the energy, confidence or motivation to act. After a while I was made 3 job offers from other departments within the same company. Most people would have jumped for joy, but my emotional paralysis kicked in. Two of the jobs were in sync with my back ground. One of them was not suited for me. 

I did not know which one to pick. Following days of indecision, I finally decided, or perhaps the depression decided. I had picked the wrong one, a position that was naturally not suited for me. The fear of failure overwhelmed me. The depression got worse which my ability to learn new things and do perform in the new job. After a few weeks, my boss, though patient noticed that something was wrong. Last Friday, he told me we need to talk this coming week. It is Monday and I have not slept since Friday.