Old job, new job

So I finally, met with the boss who I must say was rather understanding. He asked me If I really thought this was the right job for me and I had to confess to him that it wasn't. I really didn't know whether it was the depression talking or me. He said he would help me find something more suitable in another department. Next week I start in this new department. Though relieved, I feel defeated, that I wasnt in a mental state to perform well at the job. It seems I am taking a step back and everyone around me is moving forward. Then I remember to put things into perspective....I still have a job. The dread of the next job keeps me awake at night. I need to get the depression under control, at least to a level that will enable me to work and maintain the job. Even though I was never an advocate of medications, I realized that I had to do something. I started taking antidepressants last week. I feel kind of helpless that I have turned to medication. I can't really tell anyone about this for fear of being judged. In my next post, I will discuss my  initial experience with antidepressants.

The pain of indecision

I had been depressed and was not really excited about anything. Then came the announcement of the downsizing of our department at work. I was one of those affected. Though not a comfortable situation to be in, most people would polish their CVs and proactively embark on job searches. This downsizing made my depression worse. Despite not having a pool of money to fall back on, with a wife that has not yet found a job and enough bills yet to be paid, everything went down hill. 

For weeks I became completely paralyzed with fear and depression. Many opportunities were on the horizon, but I was not in the right state of mind to seize them. I was simply in a state of inaction. I didn’t know what I wanted and didn’t have the energy, confidence or motivation to act. After a while I was made 3 job offers from other departments within the same company. Most people would have jumped for joy, but my emotional paralysis kicked in. Two of the jobs were in sync with my back ground. One of them was not suited for me. 

I did not know which one to pick. Following days of indecision, I finally decided, or perhaps the depression decided. I had picked the wrong one, a position that was naturally not suited for me. The fear of failure overwhelmed me. The depression got worse which my ability to learn new things and do perform in the new job. After a few weeks, my boss, though patient noticed that something was wrong. Last Friday, he told me we need to talk this coming week. It is Monday and I have not slept since Friday.

Opening Up

Paying for psychotherapy, given the hourly rates psychotherapists are charging these days is not in my budget at this point. I know that this is important step towards understanding the deep routed reason for my depression; hence I will certainly look into this in the near future. For now, I have to talk to someone so I will simply use this blog as a safe place to come to pour out my emotions, and cry out my true feelings, feelings that I am not yet ready to share with my friends for fear of lack of understanding and being ostracized.

The Stage of Acceptance

Though so many people suffer from depression, I had previously not really acknowledged it as a real medical condition. I knew we all felt down and discouraged once in a while, but I never fathomed why some fall into clinical depression.  As fate would have it, I became one of them and I am fighting to get out of it for good.

Is this depression? I didn’t want to admit that I was depressed, but the symptoms were all too obvious. Getting out of bed in the morning seemed to be a herculean task. I had extreme hypersomnia. Sleeping just seemed an escape path. At times I would call in sick, because I simply could not get out of bed. Extreme indecisiveness kicked in. Making even the most basic decisions became a challenge. This became a real problem at work. Funny enough I did not lose my appetite, on the contrary, I ate more than usual. I found it extreme hard to focus and found myself not able to execute basic tasks at work. My self-confidence had reached new lows, compounded by extreme fear and anxiety. I literally spent most of the day worrying myself sick, dwelling over past decisions and how today decision will turn out. ‘You seem down lately Simon’. Only if I could get a penny for every time I heard that in a day. I could not relax. Nothing excited me, nothing made me happy. I would ponder about all the things I should be doing, opportunities around me that I am not taking advantage of, initiatives I could be taking to better myself in order to broaden my career prospects, yet I just think and think, without the courage, motivation or energy to act. Time seems to be flying. I am 31. Yet I see many around me taking advantage of the slightest opportunities and moving on. Why does everyone with the same educational background appear to be more mobile and advancing their careers to new heights? Why do I feel am I left behind? Why do I feel trapped? What is wrong with me? What do I really want? I really hated myself for feeling this way because from a rational perspective, I really had no reason to be depressed. I have everything. I am perfectly physically healthy. I have a job and enough money. I have a loving supporting family and a beautiful wife that loves me.

Therapy has not yielded lasting results. I also don’t really know if the medication I am on is working, though I have not been on it for long. I am reaching out to those that might have gone through or are going through deep clinical depression and extreme anxiety, to share your experiences, your ups and downs, and your journey.  This blog is a journey towards recovery, a step towards creating a new me, with a healthier mind set.